If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
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she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
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I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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