hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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