Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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