seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
