Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
