I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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