Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
