took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
