Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
