My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Randomize
