my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
