I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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