I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
