Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
