How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Randomize
