at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
