Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
