Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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