I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
