yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
