I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
