I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
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There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
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Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?