Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
dude i'm inner monologue high
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...