I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
