I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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