My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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