He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
