I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
