i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
