haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
