come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
