remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
