so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
