i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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