I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
