He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
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