3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
