You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
