Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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