I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
