I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Randomize
