either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
