Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
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oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.