Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
it's like iHOP with fire
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize