I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
