im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
