Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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