meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
