There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
