I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
