Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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