I just saw a hot homeless man
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.