Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
