Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
