Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
This is my gift to your gina
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
