i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
