Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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