cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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