Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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