i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.