i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
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i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
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I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.