You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.