Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
