Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Found your dick twin last night
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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