I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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