Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We left the knife in your bed.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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