shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
