im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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