thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
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I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
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The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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